Chindeepinlife

“You can’t lose what you never had. You can’t keep what’s not yours. And you can’t hold onto something that doesn’t want to stay”…. Unknown

Until the next post,

Best,

Juan

I am getting older. Much older. Throughout the years, I have pretty much done what I wanted. In the process. I have experienced every emotion possible. As the year dawned, I tried to envision my life a year from now. Gave great thought to the circumstances I had the power to change.  And I wanted it. Change. The lasting, transformative kind. This year. I decided to work on the side of my personality screaming for an overhaul.

Up to this point. It has been largely ignored. I didn’t want to admit to myself, I needed to. Couldn’t. Didn’t have the strength in me. But. The universe has a way of throwing monkey wrenches into the most well- laid plans. In ways that forces change. Because, there is so much planned for us. And unless, we are prepared for it. We miss out. This is the year, I work on changing the highly impatient, very opinionated, sometimes overly aggressive side to my personality. To a degree of course.

Now. Before you start shaking your head. And think, “if people don’t like you…..” I am well aware of the people who don’t. And to be honest, I don’t lose a second of sleep worrying about it. I could focus my energies on anything else. However, through experience and learning. I have lost more than I gained. The change is to a degree. I want the softer, gentler side to be more apparent. Time doesn’t permit lengthy explanations.

A lot of people have walked into my life, and stayed. My joys have been full. Others left. I understand some relationships and friendships are only for a time.  In retrospect, I should have fought harder to keep a few . Shown a greater level of humility. Think before I speak. To be more kind. Forgiving. Make allowances for weaknesses.

In the same vein. I have also learned in recent times, not to chase people. The right ones will find you. And stay. I have had my share of fair-weather friendships and romantic relationships. So, in this instance I have gained. Not lost. The older you get, the easier it becomes to accept that the old way of doing things just isn’t working anymore.

Last  year taught me some of life’s most painful lessons. Some I invited, others were no fault of my own. The rest? Inflicted by people, who, in their own ways loved me. However, when difficult circumstances arose, I very quickly realised, how unconditional this love was. In some ways I am grateful. Because hadn’t it been for them hitting the road. I would still be in a state of denial, thinking they are the ones who needed to change.

My hope is that by this time next year, when I re read this post. I recognised the subtle changes. Lifetime habits are hard to break. I don’t live under any illusion. I know the road ahead, is littered with many personal demons. There is no blueprint or path to follow. But I am hopeful. And quite excited to see me. In a year.

Until the next post,

Best,

Juan

A week or two ago. I visited with a friend I hadn’t seen in a while. After catching up on our lives, naturally, the topic turned to relationships. I cried with her. For her. At the same time, I was angry. Because I knew she was a beautiful person on the inside. She had her struggles. A lifetime of feeling unwanted. But amidst all the ills. She was trying to get her life together. Until she me her current boyfriend. It wasn’t long before I realized she was being Gaslighted. Don’t know what this means? Read on.

Our conversation reminded me of a similar serious relationship. I was Gaslighted. Only I didn’t know it at the time. I thought I was “nuts”. Felt as if I wasn’t good enough.  In my declining years, I want to be reminded of the pivotal moments in my life. Hence the reason for this post. Please read the article below.  Carefully. Pass it on. With more than 7,000 likes, and 147 comments to date, it says a lot about the life of misery, we so easily fall into. If you recognized yourself in the situations outlined below. Then you my friend, have been Gaslighted.

The article below was written by Kiri Blakely.  I found it on Café Mom.

“Have you ever felt like you were going crazy? And not because anyone has 5150’d you. But because someone — maybe it’s your husband — keeps telling you you’re crazy. “Are you crazy?” you hear over and over. “You are really paranoid. You need to get your head checked!” Hear that enough times and you probably believe it. But are you really crazy or are you being gaslighted?

“Gaslighted” is a psychiatric term that came from a classic movie starring Ingrid Bergman called Gaslight (which was a British play before that). In it, her husband tries to drive her mad. (Netflix it.) But it turns out she’s not crazy after all — her husband is just trying to make her think she is. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse wherein your partner manipulates your perception of reality. Here’s 10 signs you’re being gaslighted.

1. You’re told something is normal that you can feel deep in your bones is not. Say your husband (or partner or boyfriend or even friend) does something you find strange. Like ask you to lie for him. You don’t think this is right. You say so. He comes back with something like, “Every wife would do this. We’re a team. I’m in trouble and I need you. I can’t believe you don’t think that this is normal. There is something wrong with you!”

2. You’re told you are paranoid, too sensitive, or stressed out. Again, something strange happens. Your husband is seen out with a woman you don’t know. You ask him about it. He has some vague explanation but then tops it off with, “Really, honey, you are totally paranoid to think I’d be cheating on you. Are you hormonal? Maybe you need to see a therapist.”

3. You start to exhibit “crazy” behavior. You find yourself doing things that you couldn’t imagine doing before you were with your man. Like questioning every time he goes out; accusing him of things that may or may not be true; going through the garbage to find “evidence” that he’s lying to you again. You may find yourself desperately scouring the aisles of a grocery store, determined to get the right kind of pasta sauce so you don’t “disappoint” him again, and end up having a meltdown when you find they’re out of Classico.

4. You mistrust your perceptions. You’re constantly being told that what you’re seeing, hearing, feeling isn’t what you’re seeing, hearing, feeling. You tell a joke at a party and everyone laughs, but your husband later tells you you weren’t funny. You look in the mirror and see someone who is thin, but he tells you you’ve gained weight. You’ve always thought you were smart, but somehow with your husband, you always feel dumb.

5. You begin to accept his perceptions, even though they don’t seem true. You were at a restaurant with your husband and struck up a quick conversation with the waiter. Your husband tells you were being flirtatious. “Was I being flirtatious?” you ask yourself, even though that wasn’t your intention at all. “I must have been and don’t realize it.” You ask what you think is a reasonable question only to be told you are harping. “Am I harping?” you think. “Maybe I am a nag.”

6. You start to feel like your memory is terrible. Your husband is always saying something to the effect of, “I never said that, did that, promised that,” to things you’re pretty certain he said, did, or promised. He might tell you that he “never” gets on Facebook, but when you see him on Facebook and mention it, he says, “I didn’t say I never went on Facebook. I just hardly go on it.” Then you see him on it the next day. And the next.

7. You start to feel like your spouse has a terrible memory. You can have a deep conversation one night about something important to you, only to have your spouse say later, “We never talked about that,” “I definitely never said that,” or “Did you dream this?” You might get tempted to record conversations just so you can keep them straight.

8. You start lying. In order to avoid all the mental abuse you’ll know you’ll get if you say a, b, or c, you start to lie. You were never a liar in the past. You don’t lie to other people.

9. You begin to think you’re crazy. You have thoughts like, “Maybe he’s right and I’m just totally overreacting. I am always overreacting,” or “There must be something wrong with me that I’m always on him about stupid things.”

10. Depression. The end stage of being gaslighted is that you feel depressed, anxious, unsure, and hopeless. Does he care or not care? Are you oversensitive or do you have a right to complain? You end up getting so confused and disoriented that you check out into depression.

Every couple has miscommunications, and everyone hears or sees things sometimes that they misconstrue, but if you are frequently experiencing the above symptoms, you are likely being gaslighted.

Do you ever feel like this?

Until the next post,

Best,

Juan