Five Powerful Ways Abusive Narcissists Get Inside Your Head

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As fate would have it, I was in a close, intimate relationship with someone like this. He was clever, or thought he was. He excelled at manipulation.I figured out really quickly what was happening. Things went downhill rapidly. I experienced every stage outlined below. No one will ever believe the things I suffered at this man’s hands. I was forced to seek help through therapy, workbooks, online, and face to face support groups. I was dying trying to handle what had happened alone. The anger I felt towards him, was turning me into someone I didn’t recognize.

Think you might be in a relationship with a Narcissist? You’re not crazy! Read this article by Shahida Arabi. And make your own judgements. Take what you want, and leave the rest. The article is profound, in-depth, and eye-opening. The emotional and mental separation is the hardest. Along the way, I learned that you don’t have to stay in relationships where you’re not valued. We teach people how to treat us, and what we allow, is what will continue. Oh, and a word to the wise: ” When people show you their true colors, don’t try to repaint them”

Until the next post,

Best,
Juan

selfcarehaven's avatarSelf-Care Haven by Shahida Arabi

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Five Powerful Ways Abusive Narcissists Get Inside Your Head byShahida Arabi

In popular culture, the term “narcissistic” is thrown about quite loosely, usually referring to vanity and self-absorption. This reduces narcissism to a common quality that everyone possesses and downplays the symptoms demonstrated by people with the actual disorder. While narcissism does exist on a spectrum, narcissism as a full-fledged personality disorder is quite different.

People who meet the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder or those who have traits of Antisocial Personality Disorder  can operate in extremely manipulative ways within the context of intimate relationships due to their deceitfulness, lack of empathy and their tendency to be interpersonally exploitative. Although I will be focusing on narcissistic abusers in this post, due to the overlap of symptoms in these two disorders, this post can potentially apply to interactions with those who have ASPD to an extent.

It’s important in any kind of relationship that we learn to identify…

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Kingfisher Moments

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FullSizeRender(10)Back garden of the retreat house (Devon, UK)

So, this blogger turned 40 recently.Yep. Snuck up on me.Let me explain.I was born and raised in the Caribbean.Left in my early 20’s.Returned for a brief time a year and a half later, then immigrated to the USA. Lived, worked, and studied there for more than a decade. Five years ago, I came to the UK to study, and except for an absence of 7 months, have been here ever since. It’s like I went to bed at 30 and woke up at 40.

I wanted to do something new, and unconventional, for this coming of age time in my life.So I decided to attend a weekend poetry, prayer, and meditation retreat. Led by none other, than fellow poet Ann Lewin, author of Watching for the Kingfisher.If you don’t know who she is, you need to.Grab the book! She is a true wordsmith, and one of the most sought after retreat leaders in the UK.

I was picked up from the train station by the owner of the retreat, Jane, who is also a Reverend. I would spend the next two days with a group of complete strangers, in a meditators’ paradise. It was very easy to see why Ann’s reputation preceded her. Effortless, amazing, meaningful, and powerful.

The experience was beyond my expectations.I was so well taken care of.Welcomed with love, warmth, and kindness. Treated like a long-lost friend.There was ample alone time.We were encouraged to use it spent in reflection, on the on the day’s discussion.To be aware, listen, contemplate, and remain open to, and welcome kingfisher moments.

A bit about the book Ann is well-known for.She was attending an event in Sussex, where guests reported seeing a kingfisher, one of the most hard to spot birds. To her dismay, she didn’t.The experience changed her, because she was the avid birdwatcher in the group.She wasn’t paying attention.She further explained; we miss moments of clarity, answers to prayers,etc, simply because we are not allowing ourselves to be in the moment.

The retreat just wasn’t about us.Ann dedicated a special session to pray for the rest of the world.We gathered in a circle, surrounding a large map of the world.A collection of small, smooth stones was placed on the four corners. We each placed stone(s) on the areas of the world we were concerned about, and shared this with the group.Ann closed the meeting by offering up a prayer on behalf of the group. Incredibly moving.

On Sunday, we participated in a Eucharist, led by Rev Taylor. We partook communion, sang, and prayed. I read from Psalm 84:1-4. Both the Reverend and Ann asked for special blessings on my life today, my birthday, and the next decades of my life. I couldn’t have been more overwhelmed, by the intercessory prayers offered on my behalf!

Well wishers signed my birthday card.Ann wrote the following words:”May you have many kingfisher moments as you journey on. With every good wish”. I also got a signed copy of her book.Another lady bought me a porcelain cross from the gift shop.After lunch, the group sang the traditional Happy Birthday song and I shared chocolate birthday cake, bought and paid for by house.Tears welled up in my throat, as I fought to hold back the emotions.I told them I would never forget the weekend, and I meant it.

I didn’t want to leave.I will take the memory of this incredibly special birthday weekend with me. I was enveloped in an environment, so peaceful, it was hard to imagine returning to the normal day to day. I had a few kingfisher moments. I was reminded God is aware of me, and he will take care of me. Always have, and always will.

Thank you Ann Lewin, Rev Taylor, your staff, and volunteers. We didn’t want for anything. Diane, for our chats and dodgy internet hogging. Inga for your thoughtful gift. Shelagh for our new, budding friendship. And to all the other attendees.I loved every minute. Because you were there, at the right time and right place. I will be forever grateful.

Until the next post,
Best,
Juan

Happy Birthday CHINDEEPINLIFE!

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HappyBlogiversaryHappy Birthday CHINDEEPINLIFE!
Four Years.
Since I created this forum. Incredible journey. Fantastic Followers. Phenomenal Supporters. Thank you all. VERY MUCH. So much more to do. Discover. Overcome. And Become.

Basic Stats:

Officially Purchased Domain : Nov 14th 2014
Hits to date: 16,000+
Average daily hits: 128
Total Posts to date: 100
Most Popular Post: Don’t Judge Me
Highest Number of Hits in One Day: 480 on March 16th 2015
Most Hits Received In One Week: 3,014 (week of March 16th, 2015)
Month with Highest Number of Hits: March 2015 (8204, and counting)
Highest Number of Hits in One Year: 2015 (11,216 and counting).

Onward and Upwards…
Until the next post,
Best,
Juan

STOP

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Stop Waiting For:

Friday. Summer. Until you have enough money. For someone to fall in love with you. For things to happen.The perfect time……..Happiness is achieved when you stop waiting for it, and make the most of the moment you are in now.

Until the next post,

Best,

Juan

Lucky 7…

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This week, I needed to read this. It’s all about perspective isn’t it?

Until the next post,

Best,

Juan

“I Never Loved You”

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Book excerpt…….

Her gaze collided with his. She must have misunderstood. She dared not ask him to repeat himself. He didn’t need to. No one can mishear :“I never loved you” They were the only two people in the room. The words didn’t come from her. She looked away quickly, hoping he would realize what he said. And offer an apology, or retract the statement. For long, interminable seconds, she mentally repeated the words. Suddenly, she felt like the main character in a movie. In this particular scene, she stepped into one of those old, run down establishments on the outskirts of town. The type of place where, no one asked questions, or knows your name. The place where you go to drown your sorrows. And figure out what to do next.

She looked around her, searching for the corner where the music was coming from. As her eyes adjusted to the dim interior, she spotted the shiny edges of the jukebox. There it was, old and familiar, playing a 60’s Ballard. She recognized the song immediately, because it was on repeat. The few patrons who remained, were either too lazy, or too drunk, to get up and change the song. No one turned to acknowledge her presence. Good.

She grabbed the first empty stool in sight, plopped down, and stared straight ahead. The bartender was nowhere to be seen. She turned to “look” at the man who had uttered the words, which culminated everything else. It all felt a bit surreal. She felt like a passerby, observing, off to the side. Transfixed, as she witnessed the exchange between the couple. It was rude to eavesdrop. She should turn away. Avert her gaze a little. Unfortunately, she just couldn’t. Not even if she tried. An inexplicable force kept her rooted to the spot.

The taste buds in the back of her mouth twitched, as the bitter taste of bile rose in her throat. Unwelcome, and repulsive. Very much like the experience she was having. She swallowed. And felt sick. Nauseated and trembling internally, she took a deep breath, hoping to trick her mind into blocking out the words, which continued to ring mercilessly in her ears. A battle of wills began raging within her. She knew she was fighting forces much bigger than she was.

Forces which only began to reveal themselves a year or two ago. The things she had lived through, turned her into a woman, she no longer recognized. The wheels had come off the bus, and in the process, she was destroying herself. It was like a train wreck you saw coming, but couldn’t stop.

Painful and traumatic memories flooded through her. Hot and smouldering. She locked eyes with the man she had given up so much for. Sacrifices which had rerouted her life in crucial ways. The second person to whom she had given her heart. An eternity passed. Not knowing what else to say, but knowing she had to say something, she said :“ So if you never loved me, why….”

Next up: open letters……

Intrigued?!

Be patient. Keep calm. I am writing my second and third book at the same time! I hope you enjoyed this taster.

Until the next post,

Best,

Juan

This Hope I Have.

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HopeI will admit to it. I am in therapy. And probably will be for a long time. Neglecting to deal with deep-rooted childhood issues, has come through the back door. As they always do. What brought me to this point? Is it the life rerouting choices, and inevitable consequences? Perhaps, it’s because I know, more than ever, I cannot keep going the way I have. I am not too concerned with the judgements which might come as a result of this personal admission. I do know, that I feel no shame, in publicly admitting to something so private.

There is so much work to be done. Last week, I mentioned to my therapist, that I always feel as if I am a waiting room of sorts. Waiting for my number to come up. Waiting for something amazing to happen. Waiting for a miraculous, positive event to change my life. He thought it was a huge admission. One which showed my vulnerability. He said I should own it, and appreciate the level of courage it took, to admit something of this nature.

I share this intensely personal struggle for two main reasons. Things are beginning to look different. I have learned history and old patterns, doesn’t have to keep repeating themselves. To carry on as I was, will in no doubt, lead me to more of the same. The other is to encourage anyone, within the reach of this blog, to take stock of their lives. You might not necessarily need therapy, but, there might be situations, and or people, in your circle, preventing you from moving forward.

It’s been a grueling few months. Progress is slow. Confronting behaviors, thought patterns, and actions that no longer serve any life affirming purpose, is not comfortable. I hope the time will come, when I am finally “out” of the waiting room. When tears of hurt, anger, and pain, will be replaced with those of joy and laughter. I hope to come out on the other side, and still be me, but infinitely better.

I do ask that you keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

Until the next post,

Best,

Juan

#somewhere#

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looking-back-looking-forwardSomewhere deep in my heart l desire to go back in time and become a kid again. I miss those days when I was innocent, carefree and free spirited .There was no stress, no tension, no pressures and no expectations. My world was free from gossips, manipulations, and backstabbing. That was the time when I didn’t know what words like jealousy, hatred, and racism meant. That was a time when I had faith in people whom I called friends. Life was so peaceful, beautiful, and amusing. But now all that seems like once upon a time. But seriously If I had a choice I would never grow up…But if wishes were horses, we would never have broken and shattered dreams, and fulfill all our desires – Aarti Khurana.

Until the next post,

Best,

Juan

Last Christmas.

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christmas 3Decorated hall at the shelter (pic could be a year old)

Last Christmas, I was fortunate enough to be in a role, where I had the entire Christmas break off. I decided to do something different. I volunteered at Caring at Christmas; a local organization, which houses about 80 homeless people from December 24th – Jan 1st, on a 24/7 basis. They have access to free food all day, manicures, haircuts, board games, pool, clothing, television, massage, dentists, doctor visits, chiropodist, the works. During the year, a smaller numbers are offered a bed, and food for the night. Rules stipulate, they must leave the next morning. Caring at Christmas is also open to others during the day. Anyone is welcomed to stop in, and help themselves to anything on offer.

During induction, we were made aware, that anyone at anytime can be homeless. Some of the people who frequent the shelter, once served in the armed services, held good jobs. You might be talking to a former engineer, teacher, civil servant etc. Chances are, we might be the only ones who bothered to sit, and have a chat with them all year. The Christmas season is the only time the majority of guests had a warm place to sleep, and food all day.

As much as I wanted to, a recent back injury prevented me from being at the shelter every day. I went as often as I could though. What an AMAZING experience! I didn’t know what to expect, but realized very shortly, how grateful I was to be able to do this. Naturally, I wanted to commit the experience, and the people whose paths crossed mine, to memory. Permit me to introduce you to a few of the people I met (names have been changed).

On my first shift, I met John. A fellow islander, he eagerly entertained me with card tricks. He told me how he had spent time in prison. His mom was suffering from terminal cancer. In a matter of fact way, he recounted the struggles he faced. I was impressed with his commitment to just keep going. I also spent time with John and Richard, who invited me to play several rounds of table tennis. John was very matter of fact in giving me hints, and tips on ball movement, paddle handling. The fact that I hadn’t played since I was a teenager? None issue.

Terry moved to Bristol a few years ago from London. He was well dressed, and well spoken. By all accounts, life was good in London. What led to the move, I didn’t know, and didn’t ask. He wasn’t interested in participating in the games, or activities. Terry was content to sit, and observe. He complained about not getting enough sleep at night. Apparently, some of the other guests stayed up all night! He had no choice though, he needed to eat.

Sandra had just moved to Britain from Spain. She was staying in a rundown hotel. One of my duties was to keep the clothes table tidy, and assists the guests with any items they needed. She had one request; a towel. Apparently, the ones at the hotel were flimsy, and not always clean. I gave her two. Wished that I could give more. The look on her face when she received the one item she asked, for will always stay with me.

Graham, he lived in a small town outside Bristol. He was nursing a broken ankle. His monthly benefit money wouldn’t come in until January. Every single day, he walked 5 hours to the shelter, because if he didn’t, he wouldn’t eat. He didn’t have money for bus fare. I struck up a quick rapport with him. Graham is tenacious. Carrying on, doing what needs to be done.

Sam was only interested in putting puzzle pieces together. We spent hours chatting over a 1000 piece. He didn’t share much about himself. So we kept to neutral, everyday topics. Time, naturally flew by. His thing was puzzles. No games, no television. Nothing. Just puzzles. And the company, of anyone who wanted to help him put them together.

Keith was a total character. A man with more than 5 City & Guilds qualifications to his name. We shared a mutual interest in pottery. Keith was the resident scrabble champion. He continually boasted about this to anyone within ear shot. One day, I put the word out, that I would challenge him. The next day, another player joined us. Come to find out, Keith had a habit of making up his own words. I came in second. I won’t forget this fellow. Keith, you’ve made an impression. May God bless you!

I could go on and on. Sometimes, I think my life is hard. The struggles, too great. I want to give up. Just like you. Then I volunteered last Christmas. I will not forget this experience, for as long as I walk the earth. I realised, I have more than I can possibly need. Before hand, I had asked some of my friends to donate unwanted clothing, and other donations. The second I place them on the table, hands came out of nowhere and swiped them away. One man’s trash is indeed another man’s treasure. Thank you to Leanne B and Sylvia K. for coming through in time, and those who promised to do so later.

I will be back this year.
Until the next post,

Juan

#lookforthegood#

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#lookforthegood#

I am not one for making New Year’s resolutions. For a host of reasons. I figured, if there are improvements to be made; I can work on them, at any given time, throughout the year. While strolling through the park on New Year’s Day, I decided that 2015, will be the year, I start looking for the good. In people, and more so, in my own life. As often as I can. Every day. There are several projects, which, true to my nature, I am juggling at once. So, I hope I can keep at this, and turn it into a lifelong habit.

I have to remind myself to look for the good in everyone, often. I recognize this will be the most challenging bit of the exercise. Generally, (except for family, friends, and work) I dont look for anything. I mean, how often do we need to? We go about our daily lives, not a thought for the other person. We interact, and move on. Let me hasten to add, my friends and family, would tell you, I don’t automatically look for the bad. However, I know; I need to do a much better job, of seeking out the positive attributes in everyone, especially, when it would be so much easier to see otherwise.

As for the things in my own life; at the end of every day, I write short notes, about the things I experienced, the people who helped, etc, and place them in a jar. The photo above is the actual one I use. I started with white for January. Eventually, I will need to get a much larger, nicer model.

With so many grim images and stories, of terrible things happening in the world, I want to find another way to escape its brutality. One that is often very difficult to accept. The past few years have been rough. I am sure it is for the next person. This exercise, will offer peace and comfort, when I look around, and find dimness.

If I am blessed to be alive next year, I will open it on Jan 1st, and be reminded of all the wonderful things, and people, which made up 2015. It’s been a wonderful exercise, thus far. I find myself looking forward to writing the notes every day. WHY didn’t I do this sooner? I had to resist the temptation, to reread the slips of paper. Even though I just added them. I am sure, at some point I will, as the lure will be too great. It’s a good problem to have, isn’t it? 🙂

I will update you on this project throughout the year. Wish me well.

Until the next post,

Best,

Juan