Category: Once Upon a Line

Five Powerful Ways Abusive Narcissists Get Inside Your Head

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As fate would have it, I was in a close, intimate relationship with someone like this. He was clever, or thought he was. He excelled at manipulation.I figured out really quickly what was happening. Things went downhill rapidly. I experienced every stage outlined below. No one will ever believe the things I suffered at this man’s hands. I was forced to seek help through therapy, workbooks, online, and face to face support groups. I was dying trying to handle what had happened alone. The anger I felt towards him, was turning me into someone I didn’t recognize.

Think you might be in a relationship with a Narcissist? You’re not crazy! Read this article by Shahida Arabi. And make your own judgements. Take what you want, and leave the rest. The article is profound, in-depth, and eye-opening. The emotional and mental separation is the hardest. Along the way, I learned that you don’t have to stay in relationships where you’re not valued. We teach people how to treat us, and what we allow, is what will continue. Oh, and a word to the wise: ” When people show you their true colors, don’t try to repaint them”

Until the next post,

Best,
Juan

selfcarehaven's avatarSelf-Care Haven by Shahida Arabi

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Five Powerful Ways Abusive Narcissists Get Inside Your Head byShahida Arabi

In popular culture, the term “narcissistic” is thrown about quite loosely, usually referring to vanity and self-absorption. This reduces narcissism to a common quality that everyone possesses and downplays the symptoms demonstrated by people with the actual disorder. While narcissism does exist on a spectrum, narcissism as a full-fledged personality disorder is quite different.

People who meet the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder or those who have traits of Antisocial Personality Disorder  can operate in extremely manipulative ways within the context of intimate relationships due to their deceitfulness, lack of empathy and their tendency to be interpersonally exploitative. Although I will be focusing on narcissistic abusers in this post, due to the overlap of symptoms in these two disorders, this post can potentially apply to interactions with those who have ASPD to an extent.

It’s important in any kind of relationship that we learn to identify…

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Kingfisher Moments

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FullSizeRender(10)Back garden of the retreat house (Devon, UK)

So, this blogger turned 40 recently.Yep. Snuck up on me.Let me explain.I was born and raised in the Caribbean.Left in my early 20’s.Returned for a brief time a year and a half later, then immigrated to the USA. Lived, worked, and studied there for more than a decade. Five years ago, I came to the UK to study, and except for an absence of 7 months, have been here ever since. It’s like I went to bed at 30 and woke up at 40.

I wanted to do something new, and unconventional, for this coming of age time in my life.So I decided to attend a weekend poetry, prayer, and meditation retreat. Led by none other, than fellow poet Ann Lewin, author of Watching for the Kingfisher.If you don’t know who she is, you need to.Grab the book! She is a true wordsmith, and one of the most sought after retreat leaders in the UK.

I was picked up from the train station by the owner of the retreat, Jane, who is also a Reverend. I would spend the next two days with a group of complete strangers, in a meditators’ paradise. It was very easy to see why Ann’s reputation preceded her. Effortless, amazing, meaningful, and powerful.

The experience was beyond my expectations.I was so well taken care of.Welcomed with love, warmth, and kindness. Treated like a long-lost friend.There was ample alone time.We were encouraged to use it spent in reflection, on the on the day’s discussion.To be aware, listen, contemplate, and remain open to, and welcome kingfisher moments.

A bit about the book Ann is well-known for.She was attending an event in Sussex, where guests reported seeing a kingfisher, one of the most hard to spot birds. To her dismay, she didn’t.The experience changed her, because she was the avid birdwatcher in the group.She wasn’t paying attention.She further explained; we miss moments of clarity, answers to prayers,etc, simply because we are not allowing ourselves to be in the moment.

The retreat just wasn’t about us.Ann dedicated a special session to pray for the rest of the world.We gathered in a circle, surrounding a large map of the world.A collection of small, smooth stones was placed on the four corners. We each placed stone(s) on the areas of the world we were concerned about, and shared this with the group.Ann closed the meeting by offering up a prayer on behalf of the group. Incredibly moving.

On Sunday, we participated in a Eucharist, led by Rev Taylor. We partook communion, sang, and prayed. I read from Psalm 84:1-4. Both the Reverend and Ann asked for special blessings on my life today, my birthday, and the next decades of my life. I couldn’t have been more overwhelmed, by the intercessory prayers offered on my behalf!

Well wishers signed my birthday card.Ann wrote the following words:”May you have many kingfisher moments as you journey on. With every good wish”. I also got a signed copy of her book.Another lady bought me a porcelain cross from the gift shop.After lunch, the group sang the traditional Happy Birthday song and I shared chocolate birthday cake, bought and paid for by house.Tears welled up in my throat, as I fought to hold back the emotions.I told them I would never forget the weekend, and I meant it.

I didn’t want to leave.I will take the memory of this incredibly special birthday weekend with me. I was enveloped in an environment, so peaceful, it was hard to imagine returning to the normal day to day. I had a few kingfisher moments. I was reminded God is aware of me, and he will take care of me. Always have, and always will.

Thank you Ann Lewin, Rev Taylor, your staff, and volunteers. We didn’t want for anything. Diane, for our chats and dodgy internet hogging. Inga for your thoughtful gift. Shelagh for our new, budding friendship. And to all the other attendees.I loved every minute. Because you were there, at the right time and right place. I will be forever grateful.

Until the next post,
Best,
Juan

“I Never Loved You”

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Book excerpt…….

Her gaze collided with his. She must have misunderstood. She dared not ask him to repeat himself. He didn’t need to. No one can mishear :“I never loved you” They were the only two people in the room. The words didn’t come from her. She looked away quickly, hoping he would realize what he said. And offer an apology, or retract the statement. For long, interminable seconds, she mentally repeated the words. Suddenly, she felt like the main character in a movie. In this particular scene, she stepped into one of those old, run down establishments on the outskirts of town. The type of place where, no one asked questions, or knows your name. The place where you go to drown your sorrows. And figure out what to do next.

She looked around her, searching for the corner where the music was coming from. As her eyes adjusted to the dim interior, she spotted the shiny edges of the jukebox. There it was, old and familiar, playing a 60’s Ballard. She recognized the song immediately, because it was on repeat. The few patrons who remained, were either too lazy, or too drunk, to get up and change the song. No one turned to acknowledge her presence. Good.

She grabbed the first empty stool in sight, plopped down, and stared straight ahead. The bartender was nowhere to be seen. She turned to “look” at the man who had uttered the words, which culminated everything else. It all felt a bit surreal. She felt like a passerby, observing, off to the side. Transfixed, as she witnessed the exchange between the couple. It was rude to eavesdrop. She should turn away. Avert her gaze a little. Unfortunately, she just couldn’t. Not even if she tried. An inexplicable force kept her rooted to the spot.

The taste buds in the back of her mouth twitched, as the bitter taste of bile rose in her throat. Unwelcome, and repulsive. Very much like the experience she was having. She swallowed. And felt sick. Nauseated and trembling internally, she took a deep breath, hoping to trick her mind into blocking out the words, which continued to ring mercilessly in her ears. A battle of wills began raging within her. She knew she was fighting forces much bigger than she was.

Forces which only began to reveal themselves a year or two ago. The things she had lived through, turned her into a woman, she no longer recognized. The wheels had come off the bus, and in the process, she was destroying herself. It was like a train wreck you saw coming, but couldn’t stop.

Painful and traumatic memories flooded through her. Hot and smouldering. She locked eyes with the man she had given up so much for. Sacrifices which had rerouted her life in crucial ways. The second person to whom she had given her heart. An eternity passed. Not knowing what else to say, but knowing she had to say something, she said :“ So if you never loved me, why….”

Next up: open letters……

Intrigued?!

Be patient. Keep calm. I am writing my second and third book at the same time! I hope you enjoyed this taster.

Until the next post,

Best,

Juan

#somewhere#

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looking-back-looking-forwardSomewhere deep in my heart l desire to go back in time and become a kid again. I miss those days when I was innocent, carefree and free spirited .There was no stress, no tension, no pressures and no expectations. My world was free from gossips, manipulations, and backstabbing. That was the time when I didn’t know what words like jealousy, hatred, and racism meant. That was a time when I had faith in people whom I called friends. Life was so peaceful, beautiful, and amusing. But now all that seems like once upon a time. But seriously If I had a choice I would never grow up…But if wishes were horses, we would never have broken and shattered dreams, and fulfill all our desires – Aarti Khurana.

Until the next post,

Best,

Juan

#lookforthegood#

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#lookforthegood#

I am not one for making New Year’s resolutions. For a host of reasons. I figured, if there are improvements to be made; I can work on them, at any given time, throughout the year. While strolling through the park on New Year’s Day, I decided that 2015, will be the year, I start looking for the good. In people, and more so, in my own life. As often as I can. Every day. There are several projects, which, true to my nature, I am juggling at once. So, I hope I can keep at this, and turn it into a lifelong habit.

I have to remind myself to look for the good in everyone, often. I recognize this will be the most challenging bit of the exercise. Generally, (except for family, friends, and work) I dont look for anything. I mean, how often do we need to? We go about our daily lives, not a thought for the other person. We interact, and move on. Let me hasten to add, my friends and family, would tell you, I don’t automatically look for the bad. However, I know; I need to do a much better job, of seeking out the positive attributes in everyone, especially, when it would be so much easier to see otherwise.

As for the things in my own life; at the end of every day, I write short notes, about the things I experienced, the people who helped, etc, and place them in a jar. The photo above is the actual one I use. I started with white for January. Eventually, I will need to get a much larger, nicer model.

With so many grim images and stories, of terrible things happening in the world, I want to find another way to escape its brutality. One that is often very difficult to accept. The past few years have been rough. I am sure it is for the next person. This exercise, will offer peace and comfort, when I look around, and find dimness.

If I am blessed to be alive next year, I will open it on Jan 1st, and be reminded of all the wonderful things, and people, which made up 2015. It’s been a wonderful exercise, thus far. I find myself looking forward to writing the notes every day. WHY didn’t I do this sooner? I had to resist the temptation, to reread the slips of paper. Even though I just added them. I am sure, at some point I will, as the lure will be too great. It’s a good problem to have, isn’t it? 🙂

I will update you on this project throughout the year. Wish me well.

Until the next post,

Best,

Juan

Paid In Full.

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groMore than a decade ago, I came across the poem below. I can’t tell you how often, I turned to these precious words. They provided hope and comfort in times when the storms came. The wind blew. And raged all around me. I had completely forgotten about it, until a friend recently posted it on their Facebook page. I have only recently realized the importance of collecting memories. Not things.

HEAVEN’S GROCERY STORE

I was walking down life’s highway a long time ago.
One day I saw a sign that read, “Heaven’s Grocery Store”.
As I got a little closer the door came open wide.
When I came to myself, I was standing inside.

I saw a host of Angels, they were standing everywhere.
One handed me a blanket and said, “My Child shop with care”.
Everything a Christian needs is in that grocery store.
And all you can’t carry, you came back the next day for more.

First, I got some Patience, love was in the same row.
Further down was Understanding, needed everywhere you go.
I got a box or two of Wisdom, a bag or two of Faith.
I just couldn’t miss the Holy Ghost, it was all over the place.

I stopped to get some Strength and Courage to help me run this race.
My basket was getting full, but I remembered I needed Grace.
I didn’t forget Salvation, which like the others was free.
So I tried to get enough of that to save both you and me.

Then I started to the counter to pay my grocery bill.
I thought I had everything to do my master’s will.
As I went up the aisle, I saw Prayer, and had to put it in.
For I knew when I stepped outside, I would run right into sin.

Peace and Joy were plentiful; they were on the last shelf.
Song and Praises were hanging near, so I just helped myself.
Then I said to the Angel, “How much do I owe”?
The Angel smiled and said, “Just take them everywhere you go.”
Again, I politely asked “How much do I really owe?”
The Angel smiled again and said, “My Child, Jesus Paid Your Bill A Long Time Ago.”

I LOVE this piece. I find it beautiful. Cathartic. Comforting. Hopeful. I hope you will either take a copy, or come back to this post again. As often as needed. So often in my life, words are the only things that provide hope and succor.
Until the next post,
Best,

Juan

You’re Welcome!

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I found the pin below on Pinterest today. I thought I would share an answer per day on Facebook, but then, life inevitably gets in the way. It will be tackled in the near future. But fir now, I will use it for my journal entries. I hope to revisit this page in a few years. See how my outlook, and perspective have changed. The topics can also be used for journal entries. Enjoy. Some ideas are too good not to share. 85189bc557b63b856d043eebd450872c Until the next post,

Best,

Juan

No. You Cant.

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Following up on my promise at the end of This Post, the need to Let Go of Trying to Change Others is a lesson I’ve learnt these past few years. Why has it taken years? Because some of us need to be taught the same things, over and over. Until we get it. We need to go through cleansing processes. To purify the soul, and open new paths to self fulfilment.The path to this place, has been one of tremendous trial, and sometimes suffering. Heavenly Father brought me to, and through it.

At my age, you would think I have been there. Done it. Got my sticker. Moved on. Not so. You fall into the habit of trying to fix people. Depending on the nature of the relationship, your entire life can easily be consumed with it. You plod on, totally oblivious to the pitfalls and dangers. The result? A bucket load of emotional angst and heartache, of unimaginable proportions. We waste precious time, only to us, in the moment, it isn’t wasted. We con ourselves into thinking, and believing, there is light at the end of the tunnel. In some instances, there is, but not the one you might think of.

Next year, I will be celebrating a huge milestone in my life. As this one slowly draws to a close. I can honestly say, with the utmost conviction, that you and I, cannot change people. We can’t, and we won’t. Sure, we can waste years, even lifetimes, deceiving ourselves into thinking we can. Perhaps,  if we show them more love, change ourselves, sacrifice, work tirelessly, pray harder, and every conceivable act, change will come. While, some progress might be visible, it won’t be the effectual and significant change we hoped for.

“People often change for two reasons: either you’ve learned enough that you want to change, or you’ve been hurt enough that you need to”. – Nishan Panwar. So what to do? Change yourself. Love yourself. Move on. Realise you deserve more. Accept the fact that, we teach people how to treat us. And what you put up with, is what will continue. The only person you can change is yourself, and once you realise this, you will be liberated.

Please know, when people show you who they really are, believe them. While you can’t change people, you must either accept them or let them go. Friends, if you haven’t gotten to this stage in life yet, be patient, you will. It simply means, there are more lessons for you to learn. You will have an epiphany. I promise you, it will be one of the most self actualising moments of your entire life.

Until then, go in love and light. Try your best to enjoy the journey. We only have one.

Until the next post,

Best,

Juan

Thank You, Mr Shaw.

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George  Bernard Shaw is one of my favourite authors. I found the quote below on a friend’s Facebook page, and couldn’t resist sharing. I have a lot of work to do.

He once wrote, ―”The greatest sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them. Indifference can be one of the most hurtful ways of behaviour. Never should we in life allow ourselves to turn away, walk on the other side of the street, and pretend we didn‘t see, or prohibit involvement in accepted ways. We need to learn to love everyone, even those who are difficult.

A warm handshake and a friendly smile can be wonderfully healing medicine. Conversely, how unwise we are when we declare, ―I‘ll never speak to him again. Never is a long time, and even those who have caused heartache or shame are not beyond ultimate repentance. Sometimes hurts to the heart are more damaging than physical blows. Yes, they may take longer to heal, but they will heal more quickly, if we avoid bitterness and anger, and practice forgiveness.

As we support the efforts of those who are trying to work through their challenges, we should be helpful, and will be if we can extend, compassion, patience, and love. It is a sad day when any one of us surrenders to sin or circumstances. Many of those waiting, have often been hurt by thoughtless words and deeds of those around them. Blessed is he or she who avoids being offended. There are appropriate and acceptable assignments which can and should be given to those who are in this waiting period.” George Bernard Shaw.

Until the next post,

Best,

Juan

 

Random. Very Random.

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Princess Diana once said: “Carry out a random act of kindness with no expectation of reward; safe in the knowledge, that one day, someone might do the same for you”. One of the reasons I love living in the UK is because for the most part, Brits are some of the kindest, most polite people, I have met. Ever. Throughout my life, I have crossed paths with many kind, gentle souls.

Recently, while updating my gratitude list, I remembered an experience I simply must  share. One Saturday, I returned an item to the popular clothing store, Apricot. Not finding anything to my liking, I decided to get a credit note. As I was checking out, a very kind woman, waiting in line, asked: “Do you want me to give you cash , and I take your credit note?” I looked at her astounded. For seconds.

I quickly pulled myself together, thanked her, and graciously accepted. To which she replied: “It’s okay, I know how credit notes can be” The sales clerk gave her an opportunity to change her mind, by saying “You’re wont be able to exchange the items you are purchasing, with the credit note”. The stranger quietly stated: “That’s okay”. I was in the right place, at the right time. A minute later or earlier, this wouldn’t have taken place. The Lord placed me in the situation for a reason.

I have done many random acts of kindness before. Likewise, so many people have shown me unbelievable kindness . We don’t often pay attention to them until they have affected in our life in meaningful ways. This was one of those times. It’s left an inedible impression on me. I am very grateful for the kind, thoughtful, and generous people who still walk the earth. Thank you. For affirming my belief the world can still be a beautiful place to live. And the only corner of the universe we can be certain of changing, is the one in which we live.

Until the next post,

Best,

Juan