No Man Is Free….


A demonstrator protesting the shooting death of Alton Sterling is detained by law enforcement near the headquarters of the Baton Rouge Police Department in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, U.S. July 9, 2016. REUTERS/Jonathan Bachman TPX IMAGES OF THE DAY
A demonstrator protesting the shooting death of Alton Sterling is detained by law enforcement near the headquarters of the Baton Rouge Police Department in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, U.S. July 9, 2016. REUTERS/Jonathan Bachman TPX IMAGES OF THE DAY

Yesterday, in a city I called home for more than a decade, news outlets showed footage of a black man, lying on his back in the street, hands in the air. He was trying to explain to police, the situation unfolding around him. Police showed up, to investigate reports of a suicidal person with a “gun”, and saw a black Behavioral Therapist with his white autistic patient, who was holding a toy truck. He was out walking with his client. Despite the volatile situation, the therapist can be heard trying to calm his patient, to prevent the situation from becoming even more dangerous.

The autistic man is sitting on the ground, a few inches away from the black man. One cop discharged his firearm, and shot the black man in his leg, multiple times. Coincidentally, the one who “posed” a threat by holding the toy truck / which looked like a “gun” wasn’t harmed. The therapist was then handcuffed, and left bleeding on the sidewalk for more than 20 minutes, before being taken to the hospital. When the victim asked why he was shot, the cop allegedly responded “I don’t know”. Current mantra states; do as you’re told, keep your hands up, obey police orders, and you won’t get shot. The cop and his superior’s excuse? He was aiming for the “armed” autistic man, but missed. Mind you, the cop is a SWAT member. Laughable!

I cannot begin to write about the number of incidents of racial profiling in America. I’ve also watched reports of a few brave cops in NY, who have spoken out about the pressure to make arrests. All in the name of quotas.  It’s not uncommon for them to go into the vulnerable communities, and literally hunt for people to arrest. Cops know they can easily pull over a minority for a license plate infarction etc. It wouldn’t be right for me to write this post, without mentioning that Hispanics are also facing this issue, although, to much lesser extent.

Here are the FACTS: African Americans are 30% more likely to be pulled over than whites. After being pulled over, African Americans and Hispanics are three time more likely to be searched. In 2015, African Americans were shot by police at more than twice the rates of whites. They are also arrested at more than twice the rates of whites. They are 75% more likely to be charged with offenses, and sentences are 10% longer when arrested for the same crime. The list goes on.

In stark contrast, people have shared their experiences, and videos of what is considered white privilege. I’m equally astounded by the restraint showed by law enforcement when arresting a white person, in comparison to people of color. In one incident, a police pulled over a white motorist, and saw he had a shot-gun in his car. Nothing came of it. The police and the motorist, ended up having a long chat. He was sent on his way. No ticket, no arrest, no checking to see if he had a permit to carry his gun.

In the past few weeks, the televised brutal and horrific murder of Alton Sterling and Philande Castile, brought about huge demonstrations, and clashes with police. There have also been instances of multiple police officers getting shot and killed, by men who reportedly got tired of police killing black men. Using violence to fight violence never solves any problems. I also know not every police officer is crooked. There are good men with integrity risking their lives each day, for our safety.

I’m beyond horrified at the state the country is in. Men, women, children have fallen at the hands of police. I started sharing my feelings on Facebook, showing my support to end racism in the police force. I tend to stay away from political posts on social media.  I don’t waste time arguing about religion and politics. There is no need. I’m not sure if it was the culture shock of being absent from the country for more than six years, or being exposed to the graphic images of men dying, but I made my feelings known.

For the most part, some folks have been supportive. Others have stayed silent. Very silent. The same silent types have voiced their opinions on the killings of the police officers. Is one life more important or precious than the other? I can’t tell you how much this worries me. Maybe it shouldn’t. I mentally filed this observation away. If I dwell on it too much, it can develop into unwanted feelings. One uninformed and uneducated person, in another country, with no links or experience to the situation in America, decided she was offended by my status, and took to airing her views. A few have also stated that it isn’t happening in their country, so why protest. I need to take a closer look at my friends list! Obviously, they’re suffering from the #notinmybackyardsyndrome#

Race relations in America is a very emotive issue. Tensions have never been higher. Police have always killed black men. The only difference now, is that cameras are rolling. Anyone who denies that racism exists in America, and especially in the police force, is part of the problem, not the solution. Closet racists perhaps. It’s easy to recognize them, and their thinly disguised racist remarks, “Well, he should comply with orders”, “He had lengthy criminal record”. “Let’s wait for all the facts to come out”..

I’m in NY at this time. I’m not keen on driving (besides public transport isn’t too bad). I simply don’t want to give the police any opportunity to meet their quotas, or become another “driving while black” statistic. Multiple black women have died in police custody. I’m not saying this will happen to me, but the people who died didn’t think it would happen to them either. I’ve never really felt at home/settled in America, if I am honest. The current situation just adds to my growing unease. However, I find myself here now, and I will make the best of it.

I simply want to state here, as I’ve done on social media, that the world is watching. Racism has no place in the police force. It’s time for law enforcement to be held to a higher standard, and stop killing black and other minorities. We need a more thorough vetting and training process for policemen, including rigorous psychological assessments. The most powerful nation in the world, and this is the example we set.

I’ve been encouraged by people peacefully exercising their right to demonstrate against the obvious injustices facing minorities in America. Back in my beloved city of Bristol, crowds marched to show their support. I say thank you. For taking a stand and showing the rest of the world that you won’t stay silent. For doing more than lip service, as minorities are being slaughtered on America’s streets. I too, will find a march in my local area, and take part. If we don’t stand for something, we will fall for anything.

I’m not saying everyone should be out marching, or doing what they can to end racism in any form. I would never ask that of anyone. I often wonder though, if black cops were out systematically killing Caucasians, how would society handle this? Would we just stand by shake our heads, and helplessly mutter:” This isn’t right…Something needs to be done..Blah blah..”. I don’t think so.

MLK’s words ring through now, more than ever: “No man is free, until all men are free everywhere”.

Until the next post,

 

Best,

 

Juan.

#yourownhero#


I often find treasures online worth holding onto. And, in this instance, share. In a world filled with people who don’t keep their word, pretend to be something they’re not, and judge carelessly, I find this quote very uplifting! Sometimes, you, my dear followers, subscribers, and readers, have to be your own hero.

uk.pinterest.comUntil the next post,

Love and Light,

Juan

Five Years Ago Today!


five-years-of-blogging(Photo: google-images)

Happy Easter!

This post marks my fifth anniversary as a blogger.  https://chindeepinlife.wordpress.com/2011/03/27/hello-world-2/ was my first entry. It’s been one hell of a ride. I’ve been able to maintain a rather loyal, if quiet readership base since 2011. I want to thank my followers and subscribers who regularly read my posts, those who dip in occasionally, and others who have taken the time to write comments, and provide any type of feedback.

Maintaining a blog isn’t easy. Finding the motivation to post regularly requires dedication and commitment. When I started on this journey, I never imagined the direction life would take. Five years from now, I’m sure life will have handed me more lessons,  in the form of heartbreak, pain, joys, victories, smiles, and laughter. Through it all, I hope I’m always asking for stronger shoulders.

I can’t thank you enough. I owe you a debt of gratitude. If I could meet, and rub shoulders with each of you, I would. Please know for now, I’m thankful, and always will be.

Love and Light,

Juan

To You!


11032008_10154181147395410_1137754070145062435_nArcadia Spectacular, Bristol (Sept 2015)

JE is one of my favorite people. I moved to the UK around the same time she moved to Bristol in 2013. I didn’t know anyone else, save it my partner. JE, SY, and I responded to an invitation on Bristol Gatecrashers Facebook group to meet up. The group was created to bring new transplants together. We met at Molloys, the Irish Pub on Baldwin Street. It was a night that would create the foundation, for one of the two closest friendships I have in Bristol. SY moved out of the city months later, however, JE and remained in each others lives. Bristol is a very hard place to make friends, and I’ve never been more grateful for the universe to give me what I needed, when I met JE.

We had so many good laughs! Our meetings were always hours long, and packed with catching up on the business that is our lives. We each had our own personal and intense struggles. There was nothing we didn’t talk to each other about. Absolutely nothing. I know she might not have agreed with some of my choices, but, she has always supported me in all my endeavors. The absolute highlight of our activities was Arcadia Spectacular, Sept 2015. A once in a lifetime, expensive event, made possible by this kind, dear, and generous friend.

The past two and a half years have been filled with one life event after another. Regardless of the issues, JE and I have always been each others  cheerleader and champion. The relationship has been a source of joy and escape in our lives. It has now culminated with JE getting ready to move back to her hometown for a new, exciting, and rewarding job, and to be closer to her new granddaughter. I’m so happy for her! I know how much she has wanted things to begin to fall into place. We both said this was going to be her year!

While I’m saddened she won’t be as close as before, I know a new beginning awaits her. And I couldn’t be more pleased for another person. There will be no goodbyes. We are only separated by a car/train journey. It’s been years since I’ve met someone so incredibly supportive, loving, kind, generous of spirit, and compassionate. JE deserves all the good things coming to fruition in her life now, and every thing else in the years to come.

Over the years, people have come into and moved out of my life. Nothing wrong there, not everyone is meant to stay. My friendship with JE has remained an integral and important part of my life. I don’t think she realizes how much I appreciate her influence! Through her, I now I’ve come to realize what Will Smith meant in this quote: “Don’t chase people. Be yourself. Do your thing and work hard. The right people, the ones who belong in your life, will come to yours and stay”

To life, love, and happiness. I love you JE.

 

Love and Light,

 

Juan

Just For Today!


reiki-precepts

Photo: Reiki.net (via google images)

I’m glad I kept track of the little blessings, which came my way last year. The year passed with some incredibly painful lessons. However, it helps to look back on each day, and see how the universe conspired to give me the things I needed, at that time. I’m still in the process of tidying up the #project#. I’m not sure if I will continue the project for 2016.

With this being said, if you’re into natural energy healing, and self-improvement, you will immediately recognize the title of today’s post. Yes! The Reiki Principles. In 2014, I was at a really low point in my life, when I reached out to a Reiki  healer for help. The experience touched me, and I felt its effects for weeks. Everything comes full circle, doesn’t it? I somehow felt led to this healing modality. I still don’t remember what propelled me to take up this course.

I partied hard into 2016. Hours later I enrolled on two online courses; Reiki 1,11, Master, and NLP Practitioner. In one of the first few lectures, the instructor said: “You might have just found Reiki at the right time in your life!”. I hope so. Reiki can help us heal ourselves and others, bring guidance to our lives, create opportunities for continual growth, unfold and awake our boundless potential. I want all of this. I’m not sure if I found Reiki at the right time, or it found me.

I want to spend the next year performing self-healing treatments, practicing on others, distance healing, and learning all I can about this modality. When I do become a Master Teacher, I want to feel like it. There is no limit to what I can do a year from now. Some choose to open a Reiki business. I can’t say if that is my goal at this time. We will see what happens.

I’ve just finished the first section of Level 1, and I am hooked. I’ve already learned the basics to clearing the negative energy blocking the Chakras. I’m so excited for what’s next! My life time attunment has already been scheduled, this should be a turning point in my life. Once I’m attuned, I can start to heal myself and others. I plan on practicing on my self for a long time first. In Level II, one of the things I will learn, is how to put a Reiki box together, I need this more than ever. Be warned though; as I make discoveries, they will turn into blog posts.

 

Until the next post,

 

Best,

 

Juan

2015 in review


The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2015 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The Louvre Museum has 8.5 million visitors per year. This blog was viewed about 70,000 times in 2015. If it were an exhibit at the Louvre Museum, it would take about 3 days for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

It’s Always Darkest Before Dawn


Photo:liveluvcreate

I felt compelled to share the precious words of wisdom below. Its my hope, that someone has waited to hear them.

Your situation will get better. Things always seem far worse than they are, especially at night. But in the morning you will realize your imagination has blown it out of proportion. Always wait for morning to make decisions. If you feel full of worry or apprehension, remember that 99% of what you worry about never happens, and the 1% never is as bad as you thought.

There is a plan for you. There is a reason for what you have experienced and what you will experience, even if you cannot see it now. What you are going through is not without purpose. So trust in the promise that things will get better and that someday you will find a level of gratitude for the events, good and bad, that have shaped you and prepared you for a better future.

So that you will never return to dark places, it is very important that you teach your mind to gravitate to the good that can happen, and already exists around you, not the bad that might happen. Once you are able to do this, your world will change forever for the better.

You have carried this burden long enough. It is time for you to let go … let your mind carry you back to the true and good light”..Energy Artist Julia.

Until the next post,

Best,

Juan

June. Thank You.


177555282_640Photo courtesy Vimeo.com

Readers, I hope you are well. Have you ever had a month so wonderful, you’re not likely to forget it, for as long as you live? I hope so! For me, June was it. At first I thought it was a fluke, but when the incredible things just kept coming, I started to believe. The best month, I’ve had in a long time. Truth be told, my long-term memory is pretty good!

I didn’t forget to count my blessings and express gratitude. Just couldn’t. For, in recent times, I’ve been taken out to the watershed and back. I thrive on optimism, and would like to believe, the tide is finally starting to turn for me. I can only hope, June was the beginning of the exciting things I’ve waited for. Weeks later, I was still buzzing from all the wonderful gifts the universe brought my way.

So, what about June, that makes it so fantastic? Well, for starters, as the universe would have it, I made a significant change to an area of my life. From there on out, things just seem to come together. The fixed contract I was working on ended this month, which meant back into job hunting. During my first interview process, I interviewed for two jobs at the same company. I obviously made an impression, because I was given a choice as to which role, I should take! Nothing like this has ever happened to me before.

Professional accolades continued, as I helped to make history. Right before the contract ended, I attended the company’s AGM. My colleague and I were publicly recognized, for the work we’re doing in Bristol. Furthermore, we worked very hard, and no stone unturned, as we wanted to go out on a high.The result? When the numbers were tallied up, our manager found, that in comparison to the same quarter last year, and with more than twice the number of staff, sales increased by more than 50%.

Continuing with the good stuff, thanks to a government programme, I was finally able to sort out my student loans. This has always been a source of worry, one that would prevent me from accomplishing other goals. Imagine my relief! Onto the other dreams then! On the path to financial freedom, I enrolled on a course, that would help me set up and manage my own business. The fee I paid was a small fraction of the regular price. I also found a mobile phone plan for £13 pcm, in comparison to the £50-60 per month, I paid for the past two years. Increase credit offers also came my way.

I received free upgrades on my broadband and TV plan for six months. Discovered, that for me, metered electricity is the way to go. One day, I got a call from the NHS, offering to move my hospital appointment forward by months. A true godsend, as it takes ages to get one. Following on the heels of this, the appointment letter for the scan I needed, came in about two months later. All good things, when you depend on public health services.

I could go on and on! I must say, that I’m so chuffed with my decision to follow through with lookforthegood.  I honestly can’t wait for January 2016, God’s willing of course. I’m so very grateful and humbled. The rest of the year could go awry, but I will I will never forget June.

Until the next post,

Best,

Juan

Be Patient.


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The article below is the third in a series that I plan to highlight. I have lived it. I am also convinced it WILL help someone else. It’s a re-blog from psychopathfree. The site also has a host of other very helpful articles. In one of the final conversations I had with the narc, he asked me :”Have I broken you?”.

My answer was a simple, honest “Yes”. I was broken, despondent, a shell of the person I once was. Looking back, I’ve wondered why would he ask that? The days and weeks following the separation, was nothing short of incredible. I felt peaceful, contented, and centered. Nothing could have prepared me for the remarkable change! I also knew the road to healing had only just begun.

“Relationships with narcissistic psychopaths take an unusually long time to recover from. Survivors often find themselves frustrated because they haven’t healed as fast as they’d like. They also end up dealing with friends & therapists who give them judgmental advice about how it’s “time to move on”.
Whether you were in a long-term marriage or a quick summer fling, the recovery process will be the same when it comes to a narcissistic psychopathic encounter. It takes 12-24 months to get your heart back in a good place, and even after that, you might have tough days. I certainly do!

The important thing here is to stop blaming yourself. Stop wishing it would go faster. Stop thinking that the narcissistic psychopath somehow “wins” if you’re still hurting. They are out of the picture now. This journey is about you. If you come to peace with the extended timeline, you’ll find this experience a lot more pleasant. You can settle in, make some friends, and get cozy with this whole recovery thing.

So why is it taking so long?

You were in love
Yes, it was manufactured love. Yes, your personality was mirrored and your dreams manipulated. But you were in love. It’s the strongest human emotion & bond in the world, and you felt it with all your heart. It is always painful to lose someone you loved – someone you planned to be with for the rest of your life. The human spirit must heal from these love losses. Regardless of your abuser’s intentions, your love was still very real. It will take a great deal of time and hope to pull yourself out of the standard post-breakup depression.

You were in desperate love
Here’s where we branch off from regular breakups. Narcissistic psychopaths manufacture desperation & desire. You probably worked harder for this relationship than any other, right? You put more time, energy, and thought into it than ever before. And in turn, you were rewarded with the nastiest, most painful experience of your life. In the idealization phase, they showered you with attention, gifts, letters, and compliments. Unlike most honeymoon phases, they actually pretended to be exactly like you in every way. Everything you did was perfect to them. This put you on Cloud 9, preparing you for the identity erosion.

You began to pick up on all sorts of hints that you might be replaced at any time. This encouraged your racing thoughts, ensuring that this person was on your mind every second of the day. This unhinged, unpredictable lifestyle is what narcissistic psychopaths hope to create with their lies, gas-lighting, and triangulation. By keeping them on your mind at all times, you fall into a state of desperate love. This is unhealthy, and not a sign that the person you feel so strongly about is actually worthy of your love. Your mind convinces you that if you feel so powerfully, then they must be the only person who will ever make you feel that way. And when you lose that person, your world completely falls apart. You enter a state of panic & devastation.

The Chemical Reaction

Narcissistic Psychopaths have an intense emotional & sexual bond over their victims. This is due to their sexual magnetism, and the way they train your mind to become reliant upon their approval. By first adoring you in every way, you let down your guard and began to place yourself worth in this person. Your happiness started to rely on this person’s opinion on you. Happiness is a chemical reaction going off in your brain – dopamine and receptors firing off to make you feel good.

Like a drug, the narcissistic psychopath offers you this feeling in full force to begin with. But once you become reliant on it, they begin to pull back. Slowly, you need more and more to feel that same high. You do everything you can to hang onto it, while they are doing everything in their power to keep you just barely starved.

Triangulation

There are thousands of support groups for survivors of infidelity. It leaves long-lasting insecurities and feelings of never being good enough. It leaves you constantly comparing yourself to others. That pain alone takes many people out there years to recover from.

Now compare that to the narcissistic psychopath’s triangulation. Not only do they cheat on you – they happily wave it in your face. They brag about it, trying to prove how happy they are with your replacement. They carry none of the usual shame & guilt that comes with cheating. They are thrilled to be posting pictures and telling their friends how happy they are. I cannot even begin to explain how emotionally damaging this is after once being the target of their idealization. The triangulation alone will take so much time to heal from.

Everything you once understood about people did not apply to this person. During the relationship, you tried to be compassionate, easy-going, and forgiving. You never could have known that the person you loved was actively using these things against you. It just doesn’t make any sense. No typical person is ready to expect that, and so we spend our time projecting a normal human conscience onto them, trying to explain away their inexplicable behaviour.

But once we discover psychopathy, sociopathy, or narcissism, that’s when everything starts to change. We begin to feel disgusted – horrified that we let this darkness into our lives. Everything clicks and falls into place. All of the “accidental” or “insensitive” behavior finally makes sense. You try to explain this to friends and family members – no one really seems to get it. This is why validation matters. When you come together with others who have experienced the same thing as you, you discover you were not crazy. You were not alone in this inhuman experience.

It takes a great deal of time to come to terms with this personality disorder. You end up having to let go of your past understanding of human nature, and building it back up from scratch. You realize that people are not always inherently good. You begin to feel paranoid, hyper-vigialant, and anxious. The healing process is about learning to balance this new state of awareness with your once trusting spirit.

Your spirit is deeply wounded

After the eventual abandonment, most survivors end up feeling a kind of emptiness that cannot even be described as depression. It’s like your spirit has completely gone away. You feel numb to everything and everyone around you. The things that once made you happy now make you feel absolutely nothing at all. You worry that your encounter with this monster has destroyed your ability to empathize, feel and care.

I believe this is what takes the longest time to recover from. It feels hopeless at first, but your spirit is always with you. Damaged, for sure, but never gone. As you begin to discover self-respect & boundaries, it slowly starts to find its voice again. It feels safe opening up, peeking out randomly to say hello. You will find yourself grateful to be crying again, happy that your emotions seem to be returning. This is great, and it will start to become more and more consistent.

Ultimately, you will leave this experience with an unexpected wisdom about the people around you. Your spirit will return stronger than ever before, refusing to be treated that way again. You may encounter toxic people throughout your life, but you won’t let them stay for very long. You don’t have time for mind games & manipulation. You seek out kind, honest, and compassionate individuals. You know you deserve nothing less.

This new found strength is the greatest gift of the psychopathic experience. And it is worth every second of the recovery process, because it will serve you for the rest of your life.

If you’re worried that your recovery process is taking too long, please stop worrying. You’ve been through hell and back – there is no quick fix for that. And what’s more, when all is said and done, these few years will be some of the most important years of your life”.

 
Until the next post,

Best,

Juan

Your Brain on Love, Sex and the Narcissist: The Addiction to Bonding with Our Abusers


I often wondered why I seem to be “addicted” to my narcissistic ex. I loved him. Deeply. And we shared some truly amazing times together. Often though, and because of all that happened, I became hyper vigilant. On more than one occasion, he accused me of being obsessed with him. And he was right. To a degree. I drove myself sick with worry and paranoia. I found myself doing and saying things, that was totally out of character. As the saying goes, when you go looking for things, you wont like what you find. So it was with us. I was so disgusted with my behavior, that I brought the matter to the attention of my therapist. His response? The behavior was characteristic of people who had gone through the same experience.

Then I came upon the article below, also written by Shahida Ariba. Read the post before this one, and it will make things clearer. I must have re read items 1-4 more than 10 times. Now, I understand why I was willing to accept intermittent rewards, the constant switching between hot and cold, withholding of affection. The days and nights spent alone with no contact. Many of you might not relate to this post. It’s for me really. A reminder of how I desperately tried to put the pieces of my life back together. How I tried to understand what got me to such a dark place in my life. There are so many deep-seated, long-standing issues that needs to be dealt with. In comparison to the changes that need to take place, it’s still early days yet. See you on the other side.

Until the next post,

 

Best,

 

Juan

 

selfcarehaven's avatarSelf-Care Haven by Shahida Arabi

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Your Brain on Love, Sex and the Narcissist: The Addiction to Bonding with our Abusers

by Shahida Arabi

Many survivors of narcissistic abuse are confounded by the addiction they feel to the narcissist, long after the abusive relationship took a toll on their physical, mental, and emotional well-being. Make no mistake: recovery from an abusive relationship can be very similar to withdrawal from drug addiction due to the biochemical bonds we may develop with our toxic ex-partners.

Understanding why we are addicted permits us recognize that our addiction is not about the merits of the narcissist, but rather the nature and severity of the trauma we’ve experienced. It enables us to detach and move forward with powerful knowledge that can propel us towards greater agency and healthier relationships than the ones we’ve experienced in the past. In addition, it challenges the victim-blaming discourse in society that prevents many abuse survivors from gaining…

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