Category: Advice

LIFE’S little MOMENTS

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Think kindly. Be patient. Smile often. Appreciate the special times. Discover new friends. Find old ones. Tell your friends and family you love them. Everyday. Feel with your heart. Forget the daily grind. Have faith. Keep growing. Be carefree. Look for blessings in the most unlikely places. Seek out miracles. Make them happen. Try not to worry. Give to others. Trust again. Pick some roses. Give them away. Make and keep a promise. Appreciate the rainbows. Stargaze. People watch. See beauty in the world around you. Work harder. Listen to the wise. Make an effort to understand. Make time for others. Laugh with heart. Spread happiness. Take a risk. Reach out to others. Let them in. Be gentle sometimes. Do something you’ve never done before. See a sunset. Give yourself a pat on the back. Dance in the rain. Listen to thunder. Revisit old memories. It’s okay to cry. Have joy in life. Dry someone’s tears. Learn from others. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Sing at the top of your lungs. Celebrate the moments in life. You wont always have them.

Until the next post,

Best,

Juan

A..

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…Successful relationship is a ton of work by two very flawed people who are committed to lower their expectations and dedicate themselves, in spite of their partner’s glaring faults, to going on a journey together. Anything less is probably not going to make it.”~ Scott Williams.

Until the next post,

Best,

Juan

#Goodbyelonelinesshellolife.

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Dear Loneliness,

Pardon the cliché. It’s not you. It’s me. I’m moving on. Took a lifetime. To get here.  In my defense, I was scared. Of letting go. I don’t remember how it started. When I shied away human companionship. Lost interest in hobbies. Manufactured excuses to stay on the couch. But. Something happened yesterday. I was drawn to a compelling image in the mirror. I stared. For a bit. But. There was no connection. With the person who once loved life. Found joy in the simplest things. Engaged in silly antics. It was a wake-up call.

For what it’s worth. Please. Don’t try to interfere in future relationships. Especially with fun. Laughter. Risk-taking. Joy. Hobbies. And dating. That’s a huge “no no”. You know where this is going. Because, you’ve listened to my ramblings long enough. I missed out on so much. Admittedly. You made it easy in the beginning. Typical relationship. With your seductive arguments. And clever persuasions. No more. Today, I rekindled relationships with a few old flames. You remember fun, don’t you? Laughter came too. And not to be outdone. Happiness…well you know the score. Crazy thing is, I almost didn’t show up. Because I was plagued by thoughts. Of the last time we were together. Besides. The weather was frigid. The  drive? Hellish. Taken together, I had the makings of a sound excuse. But. I knew if I stayed. It would the same old. Same old. Somehow, I managed.

Before I go. One last thing. Well, maybe two. Thank you. For showing me what I don’t want in a relationship. For reminding me, the small things count. For helping me to see, although I’m alone, I’m not lonely. Life is meant to be lived. With no regrets. No excuses. And for Pete’s sake. Please don’t visit any members of my family. Or anyone I know. And insinuate yourself into their lives. Because I will warn them about you. I’ll tell them loneliness is a choice. Explain how you enable patterns. Give a false sense of safety. And security. Then go in for the kill. Taking up precious time. In their heads. And lives. Then comes the fight. To get rid of you.

It might be difficult to plan a vacation for one. Or watch couples stroll hand in hand. Knowing they have each other. Go out dancing. Wake up to yet another Christmas. Alone. Be the newest member of my social networking group. Renew old friendships. Etc. But. It’s okay. I have to start somewhere. Maybe on said vacation, I will meet someone. We will dance. A lot. You catch my drift. I don’t expect an immediate transformation. Just the miracle of every new day. One thing. I do know. Is that. Anything is better. Than what we had.

Goodbye Loneliness.

Hello Life. I’ve missed thee.

Until the next post,

Best,

Juan

So..What..?

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When it seems the universe is conspiring against you? When nothing is going right in multiple areas of your life?

(1) You have a good cry. (2) Refuse to feel sorry for yourself. (3) And start over. Am I right?

It can’t last forever. And tomorrow is another day.

Until the next post,

Best,

Juan

It.

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…Takes a big man to admit when he is wrong. And a bigger man to shut up when he is right.

I have opened mouth. And inserted foot. Many times.

Until the next one-liner,

Best,

Juan

30 Sumthin’

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At the ripe age of 30 sumthin’, life has taught me valuable lessons. Some were harsh and unforgiving. While others were beautiful and lasting. Yea, I know what you are thinking; did she say 30 sumthin? Yep. Sure did. I know. Don’t look it. Thank heavens for good genes. Lmao. Through it all, like anyone else, I have laughed. Cried. Been driven to anger. And desperation.Denied some were happening. Loved. Lost. Begged for forgiveness. Persevered. Overcame. The entire lot. I can’t imagine what the next few decades will bring my way. Permit me to share some bits with you.

1) No one can take the place of family, but some people come pretty close.

2) You can’t change people. And some people will never change.

3) Sometimes, you have to stop waiting for the perfect moment(s) and take the risk.

4) People will let you down. They are only human.

5) Things always look better the next morning.

6) The only person you should compare yourself to, is the person you used to be.

7) You cannot please everyone. Don’t bother trying.

8) Sometimes you have to lose to win.

9) Crying is NOT a sign of weakness. It actually cleanses the soul.

10) If you are stuck in one place, perhaps there is trouble ahead.

11) Be yourself. Everyone else is taken.

12) Everyone makes mistakes. If it happens again, it’s a choice

13) Don’t judge, everyone is fighting a different battle.

14) We teach people how to treat us.

15) Sometimes good things fall apart, so better things can come together

16) Today will never come again.

17) You know their name. Not their story.

18) In every heart, there is sorrow the eye can’t see

19)” When someone has a problem with you. It’s their problem. Not yours”.

20) Don’t change to impress anyone.

21) Tomorrow is not promised to us.

22) “Don’t take people for granted. No matter how much they love you, people get tired”

23) No matter how much you guard and protect your heart, you are still going to get hurt.

24) You cannot love another, until you love yourself.

25) You are fabulous! Don’t let anyone tell you differently.

26) Try to live each day as if it was your last.

27) No matter how bad things look now, they will get better.

28) “No matter how much you revisit the past; there is nothing new to see”.

29) Everyone has skeletons in their closet.

30) It’s okay to ask for help.

31) No one can take your place in this universe.

32) If something is meant to be, it will always find a way.

33) Treat people how they could be.

34) If you walk away from a relationship and he/she does not chase you, keep walking.

35) “Everyone comes with baggage; find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack”

Until the next post,

Best,

Juan

When Death Collects It’s Dues…..

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The past month and a half has been tremendously difficult. False starts. Stops. Losses. And second thoughts. All of which has left me questioning my ability to find lasting happiness. Once upon a long while ago, I just tossed things aside. Compartmentalized them. And move on. However, it’s becoming more difficult to do so. Perhaps I am getting old. And soft. This post will deal with one issue. Death. In one week, I received word my 25 yr old cousin had finally succumbed to the effects of cancer. Next, an accomplished and well-respected friend, who I absolutely adored, passed away in Utah. Then, my younger sister also lost her father to cancer.

Everyone has been, or will be touched by the death of a loved one. Or friend. Many times over. When someone we love dies, inevitably we look at our own mortality. It’s hard to avoid knee jerk reactions. To make promises to ourselves. And to others. Some we keep. Others are forgotten. And after time passes, the rest is no longer important. For some unexplained reason, these recent deaths have affected me, more than most. In light of recent weeks, I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on life. Regrets. And the need for personal housekeeping.

My cousin, and my sisters’ dad knew the approximate rest of their days. They had time to prepare. To accomplish last-minute goals. Say  final goodbyes. Get stuff in order. Many of us wont. On a personal note,  if I knew when my number would be up, I would go out with guns blazing! But alas, I don’t. I wondered how many couldas, shouldas, and wouldas I am likely to have. It’s impossible not to have regrets. However, I can try to minimize them.

I pondered what I would do, if I knew how much time I had remaining. How would I handle relationships which do not make me happy. Make amends. Or finally get something “off my chest”. How I would live out the rest of it. Below is a list of things which immediately flooded my thoughts. The ones beneath my subconscious. I hope to slowly, and methodically, check them off my list in the coming months.

Here is a sample of things I plan on changing:

  • Finally getting on that terrifying roller coaster ride which catapults more than 5 feet in the air.
  • Make amends for things I knew I did wrong.
  • Do not accept scraps of attention and affection from a partner who is either unwilling or unable to give more.
  • Diligently seeking a partner who “gets me”. Patient with my faults. Willing to try hard to make things work.
  • Get over the fear of sky diving. And just do it.
  • Visit the places on my “List of places to visit before I die”.
  • Make it clear what I want in a relationship and in the same vein refusing to settle.
  • Going solo to a club or activities.
  • Doing what everyone expects of me.
  • Being the one to ask a chap out on a date, instead of waiting for them to ask me.

There is a bit more! However,these should keep me busy for a few months. You get the idea. In closing, the dawning of a new day represents  another opportunity to make use of the time allotted to us. Untold numbers did not see the sun rise this morning. There is no time left for them carry out their plans. They won’t get to apologize for a harsh word. Hold their loved ones close. Whisper words of love and encouragement. They won’t get to see their children grow up. Nor will they attend another wedding. Graduation. Etc. But we did. We have today.

We’ve been given one more chance. What will we do with it? If there is someone in your life that you need to reach out to. Do it. Do you need to settle a misunderstanding. Do it. Perhaps the need to express love and appreciation to. Do it. Say goodby to someone in order to make room for someone or something better. Do it. Don’t wait for tomorrow. There are no more tomorrows for my cousin. Respected friend. My sisters’ father. None. Tomorrow is not ours. We live on borrowed time. One day, it will run out. As it always does. This has never been clearer to me than in the past few weeks.

Until the next post,

Best,

Juan

I’m Losing It!

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I follow Dr Kelly Flanagan’s blog Untangled. Good stuff. Apart from sharing the same career interests, he speaks with frankness. And honesty. I read Marriage Is For Losers with avid interest. Divorcées will recognize past mistakes. Married? Take mental notes. Single? Ponder habits and behaviors. After reading his post twice, I reflected on how we can lose in other situations. And still end up winning. More on that later.

We live in a viciously competitive world. Hundreds compete for the same job. Neighbors are trying desperately to keep up with the Jones’s. Before they refinance. In neighborhoods across America, people spend thousands trying to outshine each other with holiday decorations. Parents are entering toddlers (under 3) in beauty pageants. In the workplace the best and brightest (in most cases) get promoted. Sports injuries escalate during national championship games. Why? No one remembers second place. Or so we are led to believe. We live in a culture with an insatiable appetite for the best and brightest.  Helpless to satisfy this hunger for success, society literally chews up and spits out the weakest among us.

Marriage is for Losers made sense. Too much, TBH. Personally, I want to lose in a marriage. I also want someone who puts my needs first. And vice versa. Think about it. If two people stop caring about winning. And place their spouse/partner’s happiness above their own, can you imagine the outcome? Can you even begin to fathom the level of happiness, fulfillment, and joy the couple will experience? Let’s expand this to other close relationships. And to a lesser extent, to other people, and situations.

Back to losing it. The media is notorious for sensationalizing acts of kindness. Honesty. Pure human decency. Often with good reason. We care less and less about others, and more and more about ourselves. About winning. Being first. We can change this. We can be winners, while losing. How so? Simple acts of kindness when we have nothing to gain. Swallowing our pride. Admitting fault, no matter how painful. Stop caring so much about how we appear to others. Apologize even when we are right. Forgive quickly. Putting another person first. For once. But wait, these are “loser” scenarios! That’s just my point. Losing to win.

Yes, we will lose. Time. Resources. And energies needed improve our own lives. Pride. Or the last vestiges of it. Selfish tendencies and desires. The temptation to look the other way. The need to win all the time. On the flip side, in losing these things, we will gain a lot more. A greater sense of self. Inner peace and fulfillment. The satisfaction of knowing we put someone else first. Often, it’s in the process of losing ourselves, where we find ourselves.

Pay no attention to snickering wet blankets who tease us for “losing all the time”. Heck, we might even be accused of being a “goody two shoes”!When we sacrifice to enable the growth of another, we don’t lose, we win. When we forgive readily and easily. We win. When we stop caring about looking foolish in the presence of others. We don’t lose, we win. When we compete and lose, yet cheer the winners. We win. When you and I rebel against the notion that winning is everything. We don’t lose. We win. That no one remembers second place. We win. In our selfless efforts to make the world a better place. We don’t lose. We win.

I know this post will not resonate with everyone. We’re all on different levels of spiritual growth and maturity. What’s natural for one,is painful for others. Be patient. Take small steps. Sometimes the destination is more important than the journey. Imagine for a minute, how the small corner of our universe would change if we lost more than we gained. But we ended up winning anyway.

Until the next post, what are we ready to lose today?

Best,

Juan

“Today Is The Yesterday You Worried About”

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Worrywart. Neurotic. Anxious. OAD. Hypochondriac. Apprehensive. Uneasy. A bundle of nerves. Nebbish. Mess. Fusspot. Basket case. Chances are you and I have worn one or more of these labels. With the utmost familiarity. Helpless to ditch any, some of us still wear them. They hang like an albatross around our necks. Slowly cutting off our air supply. It’s a way of life really. We don’t know how to let things go. We have never known a life without worry. And have driven family and friends to distraction. Yes, this is a long-winded way of describing the art of worrying. Yep. An art. Because we are so good at it. What do we worry about? Everything. Whether our children will turn out alright. Money. How we appear to others. Achieving our goals. The works. Each label might not apply. At least one does.

How our kids will turn out. I don’t have kids. My limited experience with kids involves taking care of a black doll I owned as a child. And that ended badly. Well, not really. I was eight years old when my sister made her entrance. A working mother meant I was in charge of her care; changing diapers, cooking, cleaning, and babysitting. I have also dabbled in babysitting other people’s children. Does that count? I have offered a shoulder to cry on. Sat and listened as parents shared their worries and fears for their children. Will my “wayward” child attend college? Resist the cycle of drugs and violence? Hold a job? Overcome mental illness? They plead daily for miracles. And rightfully so. Any type of counsel goes unheeded. Feelings of helplessness turn into despair. And ulcers. Many interpret a child’s failure as a reflection of their parenting skills. I love this quote by Robert Fulghum, and hope parents will remember it: “Don’t worry that your children never listen to you, worry that they are always watching you”

Meeting your financial obligations. There is never enough is there? For single parents with no support, it’s a double whammy. You constantly chase one bill after another. You shudder to think of the consequences of losing your job. The nights are sleepless. Peter gets robbed monthly. Otherwise Paul would not get paid. People often say you are doing the best you can. Alas, it falls on deaf ears. Think for a moment; if circumstances dictated we live on $10,000 per year, instead of the usual $30,000, wouldn’t we find way?.  Yep, we would make sacrifices. Adjust. Do without. Find ways to cut cost. And survive. Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: “Can anybody remember when the times were not hard and money not scarce?”

Being alone. For years we have lived life on our terms.Had our share of relationships. Broken a few hearts. Had the favor returned. One day, we look around. The golden years are slowly making their way up hill. They have you in their sights.Well maybe that is a stretch. You’ve done it all. But you are alone. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. Being single has immense benefits. However, can you ignore the pink elephant in the room?.

You work hard. Play harder. At the end of the day, you arrive home  to an empty house. And it’s ever present reminders. There are no weak-in-the-knees kisses. Passionate embraces. No companion to share your hopes and dreams, and passion for living. No physical, intimate, soulful connections shared by two people in love. Carry on. It’s difficult not to think about the ones who got away. Missed chances at happiness. Time will decide the wisdom behind those decisions. It might take an act of congress/parliament for us to find the person who compliments us. Not to complete us, because we already have that covered.

I have witnessed friends and family members settle. Because they don’t want to be alone. They are afraid in the twinkling of an eye; they will be the woman with more than 2 cats. Or the reformed player/bad boy, whose dose of karma, is being married to a woman who makes his life miserable. A word of caution, don’t settle. I have settled in the past. The result was torment. And years of misery. I honestly believe this quote:“What’s meant to be will always find its way.”

What others think about you. The social disease called people pleasing. We’ve all had it. No one is immune. The diagnosis is simple. Medicine will not cure it. Prognosis can be good. Depending on the severity of the symptoms. And willingness to get better. This particular disease can be touch and go. However, if it stays for the long-term, all bets are off. Especially, if it holds us hostage. And transforms us into something or someone else. Some of us worry incessantly about pleasing others. Saying and doing the right thing. At the right time. How we appear to them. We out do ourselves trying to bring happiness. So, they will like us. They have to.

We spend squander money, time, and precious resources trying to win approval and acceptance. It took me a long time to understand I will not get along with everyone. Not everyone will like me. Regardless of what I do, someone will be unhappy. There are situations where you are damned if you do, and damned if you don’t. This is a worry you can be free of. People will either accept you, or they can move on. At the end of the day:”Be yourself, everyone else is taken” Oscar Wilde.

Mistakes of the past. No one can change the past. However, we have the power to influence the future. With the decisions we make. Or the ones we avoid making. I am sure you and I have repeatedly “opened mouth, and inserted foot”. Changed our behaviors to suit a spouse. Love interest. Friend. Situation. Gotten into the same pattern with relationships. Hurt someone. Intentionally or unintentionally. Looked the other way instead of helping. We’ve made mistakes. Rather than letting it go and learning from the past, we let the past continue to haunt us. We simmer and stew. We have not forgiven ourselves. Stop it. Really. Stop letting blunders ruin special moments. Experience and mistakes teach us. Molds character. And refines personalities. Provided amends have been made, attempt now to move on, because “mistakes are the portals of discovery” Unknown.

In closing, sometimes we are powerless to stop the worry. We are humans after all. Emotions signify we are alive. We care. About ourselves and others. The trick is to maintain a healthy balance. To know when worrying about something will not improve the situation. To know when to let go. We might never be completely free of every worry. However, we can choose not to worry about the things we have no control over. Death. The actions of others. Disease. Etc. We can learn to simply accept things as they are.

Worry is an incapacitating emotion. It drains our mental and emotional resources. Precious emotional capital often needed, in other areas of our lives. Some of them in disrepair. Areas which have suffered neglect, because we are busy cultivating another worry. We have to know when to draw the line. To change only the things we can. Sometimes that means our responses to people and situations. Here is a list of things to Beat Stress. If you are worried you might need more, here is another Fifty Ways to Calm Your Anxiety

Enjoy this song by a true legend. One I grew up with. Danced to. And simply loved. Bob Marley’s Three Little Birds. Cheeky, but fitting.

Until the next post, ” today is the yesterday you worried about”

Best,

Juan

Lessons of Life.

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I had an entirely different subject written. Edited. And proofread. Before circumstances changed .What a difference a week makes. I prefer to listen to people’s problems and not share my own. In this way, I don’t think about mine. Too much that is. Recent experiences have left me feeling trapped in an emotional wind tunnel. I am still processing everything. Trying to figure out how I arrived where I am. Life can truly be cruel at times. I also know time is the emotional healer.

The nature of what happened is irrelevant. I realize this might lead to speculation. It’s okay. This post is very cathartic for me. The hope here is that readers will recognize a part of themselves. Perhaps realize what has been lost. Find the clarity that was always there. Hiding in plain sight. Akin to the white elephant in the room. Clarity brings transparency. Awareness. Forces us to own up. Remove the scales covering our eyes. And in the process learn painful lessons. It is possible that we were already taught these lessons. But needed the reminder. A refresher course. Following are some of the lessons I have learned over time, but were recently reinforced.

Lesson one: “When you forgive, you in no way change the past – but you sure do change the future” ~ Bernard Meltzer. From 1998 to 2000, a US television network ran a show called Forgive or Forget. I watched it religiously. It lived up to its name. Guests talked about things they did wrong. To a family member or friend. The offended person had to make the choice on whether to forgive or forget. Initially, it was a highly rated show. Millions related to the emotional complexities of every story. At the end of each episode, if the offense was forgiven, the person would be waiting behind a door. If not, the room would be empty. It was good TV.

We make mistakes daily. Blunders which hurt. Abominably. Some are easy to forgive. Others take time. People forgive and move on. Others own the hurt. Clutching it like a lifeline. They feel justified in doing so. It is easier to forgive an enemy than a friend. Actions and words cannot be taken back. But we can lay the foundation for a better future. Forgiveness does not change what happened. It is not saying what happened is okay. It means not allowing the other person to control your happiness. And how you feel about yourself. It should change us. And how we respond to situations in the future. We must give and take. People are not perfect. We must not forget when the shoe was on the other foot. Doing so enables us to move on. To heal. To prevent irreparable damage to our most important relationships.

Lesson two: “The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than what you settled for” ~ Maureen Dowd. No truer words have ever been spoken! It’s imperative that you love yourself. If you do, you will not accept anything less than what you deserve. Throughout my life I have learned that if something, is not freely given to me, it’s not worth having. I speak in terms of our relationship with others. You don’t have to take this piece of advice. Go on. Settle. I can guarantee you the time will come. As it always does. When it will no longer be enough. You will feel a yearning. For better. Complete fulfillment. More. Whether it is a better, loving relationship. Attention from a spouse or loved one. A better job. A change of pace. You will be unhappy. Unless you make the change. And stop settling.

Lesson three: “We teach people how to treat us”~ Dr Phil. In words and actions.  The situation develops gradually. Sneakily. Like a thief in the night. An inch here. A mile there. Complacency sets in. You keep forgiving. Behaviors become established. And change is hard to come by. We should establish and maintain boundaries early. Regardless of the nature of the relationship. Don’t assume everyone knows and follows the rules of social etiquette. Once a pattern is in place, good luck trying to change it.

A word of advice. Take each of the relationships in your life, and ask yourself: “How does …..treat me?” Furthermore, do some self-examination. Yes, we should expect to be treated with kindnes, love, and respect by those who profess to care about us. Caring about someone should not hurt. Nevertheless, self-examination requires us to consider the extent to which we have contributed to their behaviors. Have we put them on the edge because of our own behaviors? Are they reacting to the situation or the person? Molehill are easily transformed into mountains. The mole hills were always there. However, the last one was the mother of all mole hills. It got misconstrued. We cannot will people to change their behaviors. But, we can establish boundaries early. Or regret later.

Lesson four: “Change always comes bearing gifts” ~ Price Pritchett. We’ve all wished that we could bottle an emotion. A hug. A kiss. A tender moment. An unusually great day. Etc. Save them for later. When the going gets rough. When we need to seek peace. Why? Because people change. And so should we. Let me hasten to add a word of caution. I do not mean that you should change who you are. Your values. Beliefs. Personality. The essence of you. No. Never. However, if a behavior changes. And that behavior affects your life. How you feel about yourself. Then it’s time to put the gears in motion.

Something to consider, in all likelihood, the person might not have changed, we just know them better. Sometimes we need to change actions, attitudes, and ways of thinking to overcome a difficult situation. To stamp out vicious cycles. This is the type of change I am advocating. Sometimes it becomes necessary to do the necessary. One day I will look back on this past week, and be reminded that “good things fall apart, so better things can come together”.

Until the next post,

Best,

Juan